Drawing from Drew

I must have started this post in my head a dozen times. I’d get ready to sit down and write, but each day I’d change my mind, my heart would shift, one way or the other. It seems can’t decide how I feel about the anniversary of Drew’s death coming up on Friday, or maybe…

We made it through. Molly’s back to school, the tree is put away, my house is clean again, laundry caught up, the fridge is stocked. The first Christmas as a family of three, done. And you know? It was okay. Much like the whole of last year, it had its high and low points, but…

I think I’ve got the “Christmas” side of the struggle of this season worked out in my head now.  I know the “right” way to look at it, I’ve processed and know what I “ought” to remind myself as we move through this special season in respect to the holiday. I’ve learned, though, that doesn’t…

Molly asked to turn the radio station to the station that plays Christmas music.  I hesitated.  I’d been holding her off before Thanksgiving, saying it wasn’t time yet.  But finally, it was time.  Yet, I still didn’t want to do it.  I told her I just didn’t think I could.  “What do you mean you…

I’ve been feeling much better this week after the wave of grief that crashed in a couple weeks ago. All the encouragement, and the memories that were shared with me throughout that week really helped to comfort me.  It left me wondering why I didn’t ask for memories before!  Each was like a little gift,…

I’ve been struggling lately with a number of different emotions.  Guilt, anger, and doubt to name a few.  I’ve gotten so caught up in some, they’ve really gotten to me in the last several weeks.  But when I really think about how I’m feeling, I’ve decided it all comes back to my longing for Drew. …

Exercise has been a good outlet for me when I’ve cried enough, or don’t have the words to write yet.  After the half marathon, I’ve been trying some new things, taking different classes at the Y.  One of which I’ve really gotten into lately is kickboxing.  I’m able to experience a great release, especially with…

Today, a year ago, Drew completed his last radiation treatment.  It was such an emotional day, and in a good way!  I remember being so overjoyed, so hopeful, so proud.  Proud of my strong, brave boy who had endured so much.  Our whole family was there–Molly too–to be with him that final treatment day. And…

This Spring, Molly and I created our first garden.  In the far corner of our back yard there was a 9’x8′ woodchipped stone/bird bath area, a perfect starting place.  I always thought I’d like to have a garden, but have never actually followed through.  This year was the year to try something new, to not…

We’re moving into another season, Fall.  And with it, a whole new set of firsts without Drew.  And the firsts are always hard. Like when we entered into the Spring and Summer, there were things I know I’ll be sad during–like the first visit to the pumpkin patch without Drew.  I’ll never see how much…

Funny how powerful songs can be.  How quickly they can bring back a memory, like smells.  Its another thing I knew before–An NSYNC song from high school will take me back to a fun summer night with friends 15 years ago.  Or an oldies tune can bring back a memory from when I was young,…

There is always so much devastation in the world, and in America right now, it seems obnoxious.  The aftermath from Hurricane Harvey and now we begin to see the aftermath of Hurricane Irma.  The wildfires not getting as much coverage, but creating just as much devastation in the West.  As we see the shocked faces of the…

Tomorrow morning, Molly will get on the school bus at the end of our street, and begin a new phase of her life.  And with her, so will I.  My first to start school has also become my last to start school.  It’s a big transition for me as a Stay-at-Home-Mom.  It was the short term…

A week ago I sat on my deck with a box of Kleenex for an hour and half while Molly was with a friend who came to my rescue.  I sat, and I cried, in front of the chattering squirrels and chirping birds.  I wrote that last post, and felt such a weight lifted.  I…

This week, I’ve been back in a familiar place where my heart breaks for one of my children, and this time, it’s Molly.  She’s been talking a lot about Drew, and doing some new behaviors to remember him that have really been hard to listen to/see.  She’ll pretend he’s with us in the van–in his…

Anyone who’s spent an extended period with a really sick person in the hospital knows how much machines beeping becomes a part of your subconscious.  I’d swear I’d hear beeping of an IV pole even after I was home because it was so constant there.  Every one of the things you see below on the pole…

At the end of last week, Molly and I went up to stay with Josh in the Twin Cities while he was covering a vacation for someone at a different plant.  We went to the Mall of America and used what would have been Drew’s wrist band.  We’d purchased four last fall but didn’t end up needing them all when we finally went to…

Not too long ago, we marked 6 months without Drew here with us.  It’s hard to believe it’s been that long, and then some days that it has only been that long.  On good days, I can see the light, how we will be okay through this, and I have hope for our future in this lifetime. …

Oh, the little years… As Summer keeps marching on, I’ve been noticing how different life is without a little one.  Any mom of one of these bundles of joy will tell you how tiring it is.  Entertaining, chasing, disciplining, enforcing naptime, dealing with them after an unsuccessful nap, changing them…its exhausting.  And so many in…

It’s been 9 years since Josh and I were married.  It was on a Friday night, July 18th, 2008, in my hometown of Ames, Iowa.  We’d been together for nearly 4 years, almost my entire time in college.  We met in one of my first year meteorology classes, which also was a popular choice for…