Bursting with Love

But as my life goes now, the heightened joy is followed by a shadow of grief. Of missing the other cutie of mine that I can’t squeeze anymore. The way I’m looking at Molly lately, I remember looking at Drew that same way. The questions my heart is asking about what I’d do without her, it asked after we were told we’d “probably” have to live without Drew. And then I’ve had to…

I remember not being able to get enough of him. Thinking I could just eat him up! I would watch him putting all his “moves” on the nurses, and try to memorize every smirk. I moved my fingers through his fluffy baby hair that was just coming back in after chemo, trying to picture what he’d look like with more of it.

I laid next to him in the hospital, on that terrible cot, and just watched him sleep.  Wishing I could freeze time, keep him as perfect as he seemed in that moment forever…

Its a weird feeling, a difficult one to explain.  The bursting delight and joy you feel for both your children, equal in intensity–but one of them isn’t here to receive it.  He may be out of sight, but my love for Drew is certainly not out of mind.

Many of you can probably relate to the delight I’ve had in Molly this week, the way you catch yourself looking at your child and just can’t believe they are yours.  I feel the same way for my Drew, but I can’t express it, give it to him directly anymore, because I had to give him back.  There’s no where for it to go…

I can feel God encouraging me though, reminding me that the One who’s caring for my son now–who’s watching him sleep and smiling at his antics–loves him even more than I do. The way I looked at him that last year, the way I’m looking at Molly now, that’s how much God loves Drew, and even more. He’s bursting with love and delight. He can’t get enough of him! I guess if it can’t be me, I’m glad Drew has the One who made the delicate plants in my garden, the bright stars in the night sky and the beautiful sunrises and sunsets, doting over him…

We still have a few more weeks of Molly’s summer.  And it’s full of plans, but hopefully a few quiet moments together too.  I am cherishing each day, being kind of selfish with our time.  Trying not to complain in the instances when she’s not-so-cute.  Because this loss of my other baby has made me appreciate every moment.  Not wish these little years away anymore.

Yes summers get long, as many Moms are probably feeling right about now.  But I’d encourage them to try not to just survive until school starts.  Do what needs to be done, deal with what needs to be dealt with, but soak up the sleeping babes.  Memorize the smirks.  You want them to grow up, trust me!  But don’t rush it.  And when you are in a moment and they’re driving you crazy but at the same time wonder what you’d ever do without them…I can unfortunately tell you, you’d be doing much the same.  Feeling a little crazy, but still bursting with love for each baby that is yours❤